Please don't read this page unless you're extremely bored!
I got tired of getting jokes on my phone and then deleting them when space filled up, so I decided to put them somewhere where they wouldn't have to be deleted. And be forewarned, some of these are funny, and some are not funny at all, so don't get mad if some of these are stupid.
Why do college students make the best wine tasters?
They have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
What's wrong with being the best man at a wedding?
You don't get a chance to prove it.
What's another definition for a gold digger?
A human gimme pig.
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from his job at the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate.
What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet?
We're gonna have a bb!
Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?
Because every time his wife got hot, he hit her with a shovel.
What do you get when you cross an experimental monkey with a blender?
Rhesus pieces.
Why were the little strawberries crying?
Their parents were in a jam.
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
30. One to change the bulb and 29 to sing about it.
When is it bed time at the Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Did you hear the one about the cross eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils.
Why is poker like dating?
It can get expensive the moment you start holding hands.
What color are raindrops?
Water colors.
Why did the man take Viagra eye drops?
Beacuse he wanted to look hard.
The local pharmacy was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra. Now the police are looking for the hardened criminal.
Sex is like a card game - If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
How is a soy burger like a dildo?
They're both substitutes for meat.
What do you call a proton with big hair?
A 'froton.
What's brown and black and blue all over?
A burnette telling too many blonde jokes.
How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfirend?
He gave her a ring.
Why did the bunny hop around on three legs?
Because the other leg was on a key chain.
How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his ass with the wrong hand.
What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
Because the chicken was on vacation.
What's yellow and goes up and down?
A banana in an elevator.
How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
You are fine, how am I?
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
Did you hear about the boy bubble who chased the girl bubble?
He wanted to see her bust.
What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse.
What do you call a guy who hangs out with three musicians?
The drummer.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot summers day?
A mice cream cone or some baskin robins.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
What did the bartender say to his male customers?
Viagra now comes in a liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one.
How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin divers?
What happenned to Batman and Robin when they got hit by a train?
They became Flatman and Ribbon.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
Why do you only need two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral?
There are only two handles on a grabage can.
Why did the mirror have six holes in it?
The blonde tried to shoot herself.
Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100, one to hold the light bulb and 99 to rotate the house.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what kind of insurance the light bulb has.
How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he wants to do it 32 times, and everyone says that his last bulb was much better.
What did Anna Nicole Smith get on her wedding day?
Get will cards.
How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it!
The artist's bumper sticker:
My Other car is a bike too.
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
What's the difference btween an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception.
Where do you get virgin wool?
Ugly sheep.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
Why did the French farmer name his kittens one through four?
Because when he threw them in a lake, Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre sank.
How does a crazy guy get through the forest?
He takes the psychopath.
How are a blonde's legs like automatic doors?
You walk toward them and they open.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't. They eat out.
Why doesn't a woman need a car?
Because you don't need a car to get from the bedroom to the kitchen.
Your daddy's so bald that when he wears a turtleneck, he looks like a broken condom.
What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?
Bubblegum.
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
What do fish use to get high?
Seaweed.
What do dogs and your mom have in common?
They both like 12 inch bones.
In the movie, "Lord of the Rings" why does the ring of power glow?
Because it gets fingered by the Hobbit.
How do you get an Arkansas girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a twinkie.
What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
Drool.
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes.
What do you call a blonde who has died her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
What do a Walrus and tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why don't rabbits make noise when they're making love?
They have cotton balls.
Why did the idiot take a ladder into the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house.
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use you dictaphone?""No," he replies. "Use your finger like everyone else."
Why did the condom cross the road?
It got pissed off.
How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - the guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
Wave at him.
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
What color are raindrops?
Watercolors.
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam!
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and Deer Nuts are under a buck.
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Just between you and me, something smells.
What do a hockey player and a magician have in common?
Hat tricks.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?
Why couldn't the skunk use her phone?
It was out of odor.
Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?
Because they dribble all over the court.
What did one shark say to the other?
Airline food is sure bad these days.
What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water?
Soggy butts.
What do sex and a savings account have in common?
Once you withdraw, you lose interest.
Which is faster, hot or cold.
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.
Why was the snowman smiling?
He saw the other blower coming.
Why can't blondes tell knock knock jokes?
They leave to answer the door.
How do cows do subtraction?
They use a cowculater.
What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A trip without the kids.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
Did you hear about the lady who wanted to buy a new butt?
Her old on e had a crack in it.
What did the horse say when he fell?
I've fallen and I can't giddy up.
What's the differnece between a lawyer and a vulture?
Wings.
What kind of accident did the proctologist have?
He was rear ended.
Why can't a blonde kill a fish?
She always dries to drown it.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left for school.
Bison.
What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
Your whoroscope.
What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?
Come behind the pyramid and I'll make you a mummy.
What do you call a person who can sit on ice cream and tell it's flavor?
A smartass.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat.
Why did the chicken run on to the baseball field?
Because the umpire called a foul.